1. ilusionada

There's more than one way to be excited.

When we got to Spain, the first thing I asked Brian to teach me to say was “I’m excited.” After months of cold weather on the East Coast, I wanted to see everything, eat everything, and absorb every ray of light the Spanish sun could put out.

I was also about to meet some of Brian’s friends for the first time and I wanted to be able to tell them, correctly, that I was excited to be here. When I was learning German I had memorized the word “aufgeregt” for excited, and had probably used it for months before someone told me that it doesn’t mean “excited” so much as it means “agitated” or “nervous.” That was one of my first practical lessons in the subtlety of language.

The other was using “excitada” in a Spanish class and learning that I had just told my Spanish teacher that I was aroused.

So I didn’t want to express the wrong kind of excitement. Brian gave me two options. The first is what he grew up saying in Puerto Rico: “Estoy emocionada.” Simple enough! The second was what he’d learned in Castilian Spanish since moving here: “Estoy ilusionada.”

“Ilusionada” is a cognate, sort of; “desilusionada” translates neatly to “disillusioned.” It’s strange to me that only “disillusioned” exists in English, because I feel like “ilusionada” expresses something very specific and lovely. If “disillusioned” implies disappointed expectations, “ilusionada” seems hopeful, an open-hearted kind of excitement. A situation that hasn’t had time to disappoint you yet.

There’s a wide-eyed feeling to moving somewhere new and learning a new language. I’m different here. I’m Kata, for one thing, when I’ve never used a nickname before — my Spanish is clumsy enough right now that I stumble over the anglo sounds of “Katharine.” And of course, I’m still me, but I’m getting to learn who I am now without the grit and detachment you need to make things work in New York. I get to see who I am when I get enough sleep, when I get out in the sun every day, and when I have a ton of time to do things that I love. For the first time in over a decade, I have no seasonal depression. I feel happy, healthy, and content.

That’s not to say that I’m only excited and never nervous — there is, of course, a constant low-level anxiety when you can’t speak the dominant language. But I’m finding that my day-to-day anxieties are smoothed over by an overwhelming sense of calm purpose. Somehow, I know that I’m supposed to be here right now. I felt the same way when I moved to New York for college in 2008 — it felt inevitable, and I had always thought that was from growing up in the city’s shadow. Somehow, halfway across the world, I feel utterly sure that I’m in the right place, doing the right thing.

And I’m excited.

Song of the week:

“La Nueva Ciudad” is lush, shimmering, celestial — a soundtrack for a possible future. It’s by my friend Raúl’s band Balún — they make music between Puerto Rico and Brooklyn.

Hasta luego,
— Kata